holding on tight

College Life

is more than I ever expected, even dreamed it to be.

Here at UF, I am slowly growing accustomed to living on my own, and being away from the people that I’ve been close to for 1] the last couple years, and 2] my entire life. I knew I’d be okay — I think that’s just how I am, always knowing [or hoping] that I’ll see someone or some group in the near future, rather than acknowledging that everyone is branching out and the chances of all us being like we were a few months ago is slowly growing less likely — but not this okay. I miss my parents, a lot… but I don’t miss them. I miss the friends that don’t go here, the ones that are really far away as well as somewhat nearby… but I don’t miss them. I miss my teachers and leaders and older adult-ish friends [haha], but I don’t… miss them. It’s kinda weird for me to recognize those thoughts, and even weirder for me to be presenting them online where everyone can see them. But I can’t continue denying the blatantly obvious truth.

As much as I long to be back in CSprings with CBG, jumping up and down on Wednesday nights, listening to Matt or TC or Travis [who isn’t even there anymore, I just remembered!] speak; or sitting in my full-size bed, eagerly awaiting to go to Mamama y Papapa’s for some home-cooked Peruvian brunch; or even being bored in the house, chilling in front of my computer, playing some Sims 2 or Rollercoaster Tycoon for several hours in a row; life just isn’t going to be like that anymore.

I can’t go back in time and live up all those minutes where I did absolutely nothing and wallowed in my misery of having nothing to do. I can’t drop out of college and live with my parents for the next decade [well I could, but yeah, no]. I can’t return to age 15 and hold that one guy’s hand again. It’s physically impossible, and even in my dreams [that I’m really glad I remember] it won’t feel the same. My 18 years, that small portion of my overall happy life, is through.

Now, it’s not “gone”. There’s a difference. Gone would imply — or at least in my opinion, that’s what I think the word’s tone means — that I screwed up too much, regret everything, and would want to go back and do-over every single mistake I made. No. I don’t feel that way, and I hope I never feel that way. These days that I live out are daily gifts that I cherish; here in the Gator Nation, I am thoroughly enjoying them, and even though I know that four years go by very quickly [I mean, high school, what was that?! a small breeze in the sandstorm that is education], I am taking each day seriously.

I can sense that I am growing more mature. I can even see that I’m growing skinnier. And I think that [the first part] is playing a big role in why I feel so normal here, so accepted, so… not alone. I have been okay, I am okay, and I will be okay. For everyone that’s worrying about me: don’t. I never thought myself to be independent, but here I am, proving myself wrong. I’m doing my homework on time — though if I were to tell you the number of hours I’m sleeping, it wouldn’t make sense — I’m going to the gym when I feel like it, I’m buying my food in somewhat-rational rations, I’m making lots of new acquaintances and friends. I’m even reading my Bible a lot more than I did back home.

Looking back at my life, now as a first year Gator, I regret nothing. I regret nothing, for it has made me who I am today. I am still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason: Parents getting divorced? If anyone asks me what life has been like before and after then, I can sympathize/empathize as much as they’d like. Falling on my left knee/face/nose on my 10th [golden] birthday? I now have a uniquely crooked nose that makes me look even more Peruvian [lol]. Those incidents from when I was 11-13? I found out my best friend went through the same thing, and we grew incredibly closer because of that. Being away from God and facing an unbelievable depression in my earlier teen years, for which I am extremely grateful to be out of it and alive today? I was introduced to the best church in the world — and the most loving group of people I have ever met — and it was the topic of all my college essays — which is probably what got me into UF — and above all, I love and trust my God more and more every single day. The University of Florida is just another frontier for me, and I know with all my heart, that there is a reason I am here. And even if I ended up in UCF — which I DIDN’T, haha — there would be a reason why I was there too. So there is something I need to do here; rather, several things, and I am patiently awaiting their arrival. Well, not so patiently, but we’ll see when they come. And of course, I’ll let you all know.

So. How is college, you ask?

College is perfect.